a month

I’ve had A MONTH. A month with no breathing room. A month where I feel like I gave way more than I got. A month full of uncertainty, no rights and no wrongs. A month of a lot of moving, but not much progress. A month that has thrown me back on my butt.

The scary thing is how well I can do these months. Months without time to process, without time to cook a real meal and months without time to even watch Netflix. I can power through just about anything. Eventually I go numb. A couple of weeks ago, I canceled my evening plans to give myself a night to breathe. I spent good time processing on the treadmill and realized just how much bondage I am in… to being busy. Seriously, it’s like a new addiction. Thus the numbness.

When I choose busyness over a slower pace and space, I miss out on so much. I am so preoccupied with what comes next that I forget to stop and say a prayer of thanks for what is. I miss out on the opportunity to see the people around me for who they are, and not just how they fit into my schedule. The most dangerous thing that happens is that I start to define myself based on what I’m doing and not who I am. Why is this one the most dangerous? Because if I’m measured based on what I do, I fail every time. Defining myself based on doing and not being puts me on the throne. It forces me in performance mode. It changes how I view God.

I want to be concerned about being so that the doing flows naturally. In a society obsessed with what you do for a living and what you’ve achieved, I want to be defined solely by who I am and what I stand for. I want my 5 year goals to be about characteristics I want God to develop in me, not things to check off the list. I want to get lost in the truth that God says I’m enough, and not exhaust myself trying to prove to the world that I am.

It’s time to slow down. To exhale. To rest. To remember that I have enough and that I am enough. 

Monday Lovin'

Happy Monday! Mondays seems more difficult in the summer when the weekends are packed with fun things. Last weekend was full of excitement, and I spent all last week recovering, only to have another exciting weekend. I feel so blessed to have special friends to do life with. It seems that these days there’s always something worth celebrating! Things I’m loving this Monday:

1.) About a month ago, I had shared that I loved being able to join support teams of my friends going on mission trips or going into vocational ministry. Even more fun is getting their prayer letters updating me on how God is moving. As I opened my mail this past week, I was giddy reading about the ways God is using my dear friends to take the Gospel to new places. Prayer letters are the best!

2.) This bride. She’s a special one. I loved having the opportunity to celebrate her two weeks before she gets married. I have no doubt in my mind that she’s going to make an excellent Mrs. Cooper!

3.) Fresh fruit. ‘Tis the season for yummy fruit! I loved being about to go to the grocery store this weekend and load up on fruit for the week. I cannot wait to satisfy my sweet tooth with things that are good for me and not just junk. (Although… ice cream!)

4.) Summer vacation adventures. I’ve managed to save up all my PTO since I started working in September to use for fun times this summer. I cannot wait for a beach vacation with my extended family, time in Cleveland, a lake weekend and finishing up the summer in Las Vegas. It’s hard to believe that I will have taken two Las Vegas vacations in the 2014. I’m so blessed to have friends who live all over the country who are eager for visitors! 

Monday Lovin'

I’ve been slacking on Monday Lovin’; partially because I’m a workaholic and partially because I’ve just been so busy, but I figured better late than never this week. Without further ado, the things I’m loving this week.

1) The Pacers. Being raised in Cincinnati, I’ve gotten to root for whichever NBA team I wanted. In high school, LeBron James played for Cleveland, and so my family rooted for Cleveland. Then he left, and my dad being the huge sports fan that he is, decided that he was still going to root for LeBron. Moving to Indianapolis this fall has put me in an awkward position sports wise. It’s a no brainer to root for IU sports, and I’ve always liked the Colts, but the Pacers have taken more time. Needless to say, I’m pulling for the Pacers. It’s fun to see a city rally around their athletes and their teams. I also love the way the Pacers play as a team and not as individuals; it’s so encouraging.

2) Summer. While it goes without saying, I’m already loving the summer time. Warm weather, fruity drinks, and lots of time by the pool – it puts everyone in a better mood. If you haven’t already, I recommend you try the Coors Light Summer Brew; it’s fantastic!

3) The Monon. While training for the mini marathon, I fell in love with the Monon. My love affair didn’t end with the race. This summer my motto is “Get fast, get fit, get tan.” I’m hoping to run another half marathon this fall, and I want to train better and smarter, and that starts now, with some long runs on the Monon. It’s a good thing I like it!

4) She Reads Truth. A daily devotional right out of the Bible. It’s a great way to start my morning, or if I’m being completely honest, end my day. It’s the perfect length and right now we’re reading through Nehemiah, a book of the Bible I’ve never read through. I’m really enjoying learning more and getting to read scripture in a new way. My favorite way to study scripture is to go deep and truly pick it apart, but this is perfect for the season of life I’m in right now. Reading it every day keeps me rooted and focused on what matters. I’ve been feeling really weighed down by grown up stuff – health insurance, cars, jobs, etc. so the reminder of eternity and God’s faithfulness through the scriptures is just what I need.

I hope you enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend! I’m thankful for all those who have served our wonderful country. We are blessed because of their sacrifice! Have a great week! 

one year post-college

Exactly a year ago today, I graduated from college. Cue the tears because college was an amazing four years, and I still can’t believe it’s over. In the year since I graduated, my view on how special my college experience was has not changed. I hold the four years I spent in Bloomington, spending way more time with friends than at the library, hanging out every Thursday night in Woodburn 100, and the sweet friendships I developed on IU’s beautiful campus so close to my heart. But, that season ended a year ago. My life has gone on.

In the Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens says, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Maybe he was prophesying the last year of my life. Since May 2013, I’ve lived in three different cities, worked three different jobs, spent more money than I care to admit on clothes, moved into my first apartment where I was responsible for paying rent, paid off an eighth of my student loan, bought a car (ask me how I feel about car payments), ran a half marathon, hosted some sweet parties, experienced the most difficult transition of my life to date, applied for 50+ jobs, attended four weddings, threw some fun parties, had only a handful of weekends with no work, and joined a church. This year has brought some of my highest highs, but also some of my lowest lows. When you’re eating ice cream out of the tub on a Wednesday morning at 10:30AM while watching your second episode of West Wing for the day, you know you’ve hit a new low.

But the things I did pale in comparison to the most significant lesson I’ve learned.

Over and over again, I cried out to the Lord, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” Depending on the day, I sometimes continued, “But I’m happy at the way it’s turning out.” Some days I could do anything but cry into my pillow. It was a year of life not meeting my expectations. I had a pretty little picture in my head of what this year was supposed to look like. Needless to say, it has not looked like that pretty little picture. It hasn’t been neat, orderly, or pretty. It’s been messy, hard and beautiful. I jokingly refer to the person I was last spring as “young and dumb.” I just didn’t know any better. I saw what other people’s lives looked like, combined that with my own desires and then just expected.

But I take beautiful over pretty any day. This is not the first or the last time that life will not meet my expectations. Marriage is not a walk in the park. Parenting is not endless dandelion bouquets and Mother’s Day cards. The question is, what will I do when life fails to meet my expectations? Will I sulk and allow it to make me bitter? Or will I run hard in the arms of a God who continually exceeds my expectations?

The wisdom and intimacy I’ve gained with God by walking through the peaks and the valleys with Him this last year is far more special than any picture I had in my head of how my life was supposed to look.  

Monday Lovin'

Normally I write on Mondays about things that I’m especially enjoying, but I’m just back from a wonderful weekend in one of my favorite places, so I’m going to celebrate some of the special moments.

The red tulips look beautiful, even in the dark! 

1. I believe that everyone has a special, unique story worth telling. Last Little 500 weekend, a group of my friends set up a card table in one of the off campus housing complexes and gave out free pizza to any one willing to share their story with us. It has always been our prayer that we could then share the Gospel with them, but does not usually happen. This year, I prayed that we would have the opportunity to share the Gospel at least once – fully preparing myself to be disappointed. Forget Thomas the doubter, I’m Caitlin the doubter. Our group had the opportunity to share the Gospel 6 times with countless other spiritual conversations! We gave out ten pizzas and 24 donuts within an hour and a half. Watching God exceed my low expectations, and remind me that He is a God who intersects His story with our stories was a highlight of the weekend.

2. Spending time with two of my senior friends was beautiful. Things get real the last couple weeks of college as you process through your memories, the person you’ve become and your dreams of the future. Two of my best friends graduate in 2 weeks, and I got to spend great one-on-one time with them, hearing about their lives, and also listening as they shared about what they hope the next season of life bring them.

3. Heart to hearting on the comfy red couch. Not all couches, or friendships are made equally. The comfy red couch that lived at Cat Palace for 2 years might be my favorite piece of furniture that I don’t own. Saturday night, I curled up on the couch, which a cup a tea and a very dear friend and we talked. Beth Moore talks about being authentic with all, transparent with most and intimate with some. This friendship is intimate and sweet. We talked about our last year and asked each other questions that got real answers. I’m so thankful for how God has used her to refine me and make me the person I am today.

4. I’ve shared before, but a group of my friends and I are working through Beth Moore’s study on James. This weekend we met in Bloomington and over breakfast we listened to the lesson. It’s been a highlight of the year to journey through challenging scripture with these girls and know that God is transforming us through His Word.

5. I love a good adventure, but they’re hard to plan. You never know exactly who is up for what and where things may lead you. Friday night was the perfect adventure. We pretended we were still college students and visited some of our favorite places on campus, telling stories about our favorite college memories and laughing, a lot. The five friends I was with have shown me what friendship looks like and have taught me about faith in such a real way, it was wonderful to reconnect and adventure with them.  

What are highlights from your weekend?

Monday Lovin'

After a wonderful weekend celebrating Easter, family and spring, it’s back to the grind on this Monday morning. I’m thankful for a 9-5 job that I love, supportive friends and family and a very special church here in Indianapolis. They make the grind less mundane. This Monday I’m loving:

1.) A dad who I share lots in common with. We were all talking at Easter brunch about our personality types. My dad and I (as far as Myers-Briggs) could not be more different. However, I hold our shared interests very close to my heart. He and I both love running, in fact we’re training for a mini-marathon in 2 weeks, we love reading, Barnes and Noble is a dangerous place for us, and beer, him probably more than me, but I do like it. I am thankful for a special relationship with him.

2.) Ice Cream. When I decided to give up sweets for lent, there was still snow on the ground. I did not for one second think through how I was going to celebrate the advent of spring without ice cream. As soon as Easter hit, I didn’t waste any time – I got ice cream last night with friends! I gave up sweets to break some back habits I had with food and to start seeing it in a healthy way. I’m so thankful for these 40 days; I look at food with new eyes. Needless to say though, I’m excited that I can go get ice cream with my friends now.

3.) This book. Someone suggested it to me my sophomore year of college and each time my dad takes my sister book shopping I look for it, and yesterday it was there! I’ve devoured it; it’s that good. Shauna Niequist makes me want to be a writer, a writer who speaks of hope, reminding us about the good in the world because a good God loves us.

4.) Redemption. Easter is a beautiful holiday to remember that yes, new things are great, but even better are the things we thought were lost, but instead they’ve been given new life. I like brand new, but even more, I like worn, old, broken-in, but seen with new eyes. Some of the best friendships in my life have been those that I was ready to walk away from, but I’ve stayed in them, and watched God change me and make the friendship even more special. I’m thankful that a life in Christ means that all that has been lost will be redeemed.

Happy Monday – may you be able to delight in things that you love today J

it was worth it

Saturday morning, I helped organize an information session on adopting from Latin America. We had families join us who were at all stages in the adoption process, including having finished their processes. If you know anything about adopting, you know that the process is long. No one understands setbacks, uncertainties, and waiting like adoptive parents. One of the adoptive moms said, about her daughter, “She was so worth it, I’d do it all over again, without a doubt.”

As I stood in church on Palm Sunday and listened to the worship band lead our church in worship, I was struck by how the woman’s words about her daughter are true of those of us who have been adopted into God’s family. At the end of this week, we’ll celebrate Easter; God’s declaration that sin is not the end of our story. Our past, present and future sins were paid for on the cross that fateful day 2,000 years ago and now, Jesus reigns from his true throne in heaven. Each year, on Easter, we celebrate Christ’s sacrifice; He reminds us that we are worth it.

The author of Hebrews says of Jesus, “for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.” The joy is us, individually and collectively – believers, members of the Body of Christ. I can’t get the image of the triumphal entry out of my head today; the palms being waved and people shouting, “Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest.” All the while, Jesus knew what He was headed towards. He knew that this was the beginning of the end. At the end of the road was a painful death, but He chose to walk the road anyways. He eventually carried His own cross to His own crucifixion. And yet, it was His joy. It was worth it to Him. His death and resurrection declare that we were worth it.

Let’s not forget, that we did nothing to earn it. We mine as well have been given hammers to hammer the nails ourselves. We are worthy because of His sacrifice. Just like the little girl who was adopted did not have to earn her mother’s love for the process to be worth it, God saw us in our sins, at the beginning of time, and decided Jesus would still come. His love makes us worthy.

Just as the little girl’s identity changed from an orphan to a daughter, so did mine when I accepted Christ. Adoption is forever. I am part of God’s family for eternity. I am worth it because He says I am. I can’t earn a better spot in His family; I’m all in. This week, that’s the truth I want to live out as I prepare to celebrate Christ’s death and resurrection. I want to honor Him and His sacrifice. He said I am worth it – will I do the same for Him?