trust

Trust. It’s a central part to every relationship. It’s necessary in telling people about yourself. It’s necessary in getting into a car with someone. It’s necessary in entering into new levels of intimacy. I like to say that when I meet someone I say, “Hi, my name is Caitlin, here are all my problems”. God has blessed me with an ability to trust pretty instantaneously and to be very open with things that have the ability to hurt me. In being open and vulnerable, I trust that people I tell things too are going to protect me and not hurt me. I trust that they are legitimately good people who will not use the power I give them for evil. The irony in all of this is how difficult it can be for me to trust that God is good.

It’s written every where in scripture, but two of my latest favorites are Romans 8:28 (And we know that in all things God for the good of those who love Him and who have been called to His purpose) and Deuteronomy 7:21 (Do not be terrified by them, for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God).  God works for my God and God is a good and awesome God. Yes, He is. He has freed me from sin, He sent His son to die for me, and He has redeemed things in my life for the better. I know that He is a good, faithful, omniscient, freeing, restoring, redeeming, awesome God… in my head, my heart sometimes struggles.  I am a type A personality. I like plans, I like finished products, I like my ideas and I like to be in charge. These can be good qualities in a project member, but can sometime cause me to live in sin. Because I like to plan things, I don’t always let God lead me. Because I like finished products, I don’t always trust that God going to carry it out until completion. Because I like my ideas, I struggle with humility and compromise. Because I like to be in charge, I don’t always trust God’s plan. The common threads is that in all these things, I struggle to see God as a good and awesome God. I have difficulty trusting that He will work everything for my good.

At a summer camp I did, the central theme was “knowledge without experience leaves room for doubt”. The more I experience God as a good God, the more I will know, in my heart, that He is a good God. This is such a paradox in my life. Before I get in a car with someone, I don’t ask for their driving record, or think that they want to do harm for me. My prayer is that I became more trusting of God than I am of people. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God is working all things for my good. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God is going to redeem yuckiness. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God will carry everything out until its completion. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God is a great and awesome God who longs for me to experience His love, compassion, forgiveness and faithfulness.