it's not really about me

I came into summer project in Chicago with a pretty set view of what I thought my job would be. I thought that I would get a job in the first week, I’m marketable after all, and that this job would most likely be in retail. Fast-forward less than 2 weeks, and I was fighting with God about going to an open interview at a Dunkin’ Donuts. Yesterday, a Dunkin’ Donuts in the city was having open interviews. I still don’t have that retail job I thought I would, so during my time with God, I told Him how I was feeling. This job searching process has brought out every ugly emotion and sin issue I have. Entitlement. Jealously. Pride. Guilt. Self-centeredness. I acknowledged all of them throughout the past 10 days, but I had done nothing about them. I kept going out each morning trying to do it all on my own. I was feeling so conflicted. My flesh said, you’re too good to go to an interview at Dunkin’ Donuts; you’re working towards being college educated, you’ve worked in retail and you’re better than the people who work there. However, as I brought all these before God yesterday morning, I was reminded that it isn’t about me. What I want and what God wants are often very different. This summer is about me relying on God more, finding my identity in God more, and trusting God more. Yes, I can work a retail job, I’m good at working retail, God knows that, but He also wants to grow me. He wants to teach me.

So, I swallowed my pride, I submitted to the Lord, and I travelled with a group of other jobless project kids to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Washington. On the way, I communicated with one of the girls how frustrating this job search process has been. I’ve made huge steps of progress in the past 10 days, God has completely changed my heart, but 7 days of filling out applications, talking to managers and making follow-up phone calls is still frustrating. I explained that it’s especially hard because I left a job that I loved at home. I left a job that I was good at, at home. I left a job with people I was able to share my faith with at home. She said something that I’m continuing to process through; she said that coming to project is “one of the times when you have to decide if you’re willing to count it all as loss.” She was referring to the verses in Philippians 4 when Paul says, “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,” (v. 7-8). I know that God wants me in Chicago this summer, but am I willing to set everything aside to get to know Him better? This is my job back home, but also my pride, my entitlement, my jealousy, my guilt and my self-centeredness. Am I willing to die to myself this summer in order to follow Christ? Yes, I’m willing, but without the Holy Spirit, it is impossible. My prayer is that I may be able to cling to Christ and release anything else from my grasp; that I may seek to place my identity in God more, and not in a job or my friends. I pray that Christ may be magnified in my life because it really isn’t about me.

Job update: The manager at the Dunkin’ Donuts did not show up to have the open interviews yesterday, but I received a phone call yesterday afternoon from J.Crew, and I have an interview there on Friday afternoon. Please pray that I remain diligent and faithful in my job search, no matter how Friday goes.