days with tears

Some days just aren’t good days. I love so many things about being a girl – I love that boys hold doors open for me, I love that feminine beauty is welcoming and I love that I have a heart that is easily broken – I’m very in tune with my emotions. However, some days I have trouble not being a slave to my emotions. Monday was one of those days. Last 4^th of July was so rough. It was the defining moment of the summer that sucked. As I sat on my bed on Monday, I couldn’t get the image of my ailing grandmother in her hospital bed out of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about the good-bye I said to her that weekend. I also couldn’t forget the comfort God brought me through all the pain. I spent most of last summer crying and mourning, and Monday morning reminded me of all that suffering. I realized there’s healing still to be done. There’s more hurt to welcome God into.

Monday was one of those days that my feelings seemed more powerful than God. I felt like I couldn’t hold back the tears. I cried while leaving my mom a voicemail, I cried on my way to the grocery store and I cried during worship at our Monday night meeting. I kept asking God to just make it a good day, to be bigger than my emotions and pull me out of the rut. However, it wasn’t until that afternoon, after lots of tears, while running on the treadmill and listening to worship music that I realized that some days God wants us to cry. Some days God wants me to mourn, and not just my losses, but also the depravity of the world. Michael W. Smith wrote a worship song called “You Are Holy”, and the song has had huge significance in my life. The girls’ part of the song is –

He is Lord of Lords

He is King of Kings

He is mighty God

Lord of everything

He's Emmanuel

He's the great "I AM"

He's my Prince of Peace

Who is the Lamb

He's the living God

He's my saving grace

He will reign forever

He is ancient of days

He's the Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End

He's my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and friend

These lyrics spoke to my heart on Monday. Some days I might not feel like the perky, bubbly version of myself. I might be sad and spend more time crying than smiling, but God’s character does not change. He is still the Almighty God who is in control. Ultimately, my Monday was a good day, not because I smiled a lot, but because I have a Heavenly Father who knows me intimately, and wants me to move forward, even if it requires some tears.