When I thought about this
summer, there was a feeling in the pit of stomach wondering if I way actually
being obedient about coming back home for the summer, or if I was being a baby
about not wanting to raise support again. Or take care of myself. Because on
paper living on home seems easy. My parents pay for everything, I had a job to
come back to, and it’s not hard to find a church in the city of Cincinnati – I
can name 3 mega churches off the top of my head. I’ve had it drilled in my head
that comfort is the opposite of faith – living with all my needs met does not
force me to rely on God.
Then I moved home. And home
is great. But it’s not super comfortable. Yes, I sleep in a comfortable bed
every night, but I am daily dying to myself. I love my internship, but some
days, it’s hard. Seeing the faces of orphan children breaks my heart, and
interacting in donors can sometimes be difficult, and my back sometimes hurts
from filing things. I get a great discount at J.Crew for working there, but
working two jobs in exhausting, and I work with another Caitlin, two Katies and
a Kait, so I rarely get credit for my sales, or make my sales goals. Plus,
customers get annoyed when you ask them if they need help. But, I know I’m
where God wanted me this summer.
Every time I fold a pile of
clothes only to watch a customer immediately mess it up, I know I’m right where
God wants me.
Every time I have a
conversation with my eleven-year-old brother about Jesus, I know I’m right
where God wants me.
Every time I eat lunch with
the women from work at the “food and life table”, I know I’m right where God
wants me.
Every time I sit down to
spend time with the Lord without an ending time and no discipleship to plan
for, I know I’m right where God wants me.
Every time I get to empty
the dishwasher or run an errand for my mom, I know I’m right where God wants
me.
Living missionally and
depending on God amidst the uncertainty is easy – it’s all there is to do, but
this summer, walking back into an environment that I lived in before walking
with Jesus has been hard. It’s been humbling to realize that 16 year-old me
might be disappointed with the 21 year-old version of me. I’ve lost some
ambition, I didn’t stick to “the plan”, but that’s life. And each day I have to
depend on Jesus to remind me why I’m here, and to tell me that I’m right where
He wants me.
Your post is beautiful Caitlin :)
ReplyDeleteGod is holy, not glamorous. Your faithfulness in these things will strengthen your obedience for "the next thing." We have glamorous plans for our lives and they are indeed great dreams to follow. But God's glory and goodness are what will prevail and will write a much more eternally significant story.