thoughts on a feeling filled day

This afternoon I made a wise decision to log off of social media and stop reading blogs for the remainder of the day. I have a terrible habit of letting things get to me. I can get so caught up in the words that other people are saying that I forget what’s true. I start running towards other people’s opinions and getting angry when others disagree with them. In today’s society, everyone has an opinion on everything. Or, if they’re like me, they have feelings about everything.

Everything I’ve read about World Vision has me paralyzed with feelings. Feelings of confusion, feelings of outrage, feelings of apathy; if it’s a negative feeling, in the past 12 hours I’ve felt it. And by the time I’ve sat down to write, the controversial decision has been reversed, but my feelings are still there. I want to blame someone for all of the chaos and hurt.

I keep coming back to one of the most significant conversations I’ve ever had. I sat across from a dear friend in the IMU Starbucks as she spoke truth into my life that I’ve never been able to let go of. We were talking about my life and my walk with Christ and the high standards I set for people. She looked me in the eyes and said, full of grace and truth, “Caitlin, you just don’t think you’re THAT bad.”

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to hear, but has been the most formative and challenging. Because I am THAT bad. Pre-Jesus, I was an enemy of God. Even if I had been the only person on the planet, Christ still would have had to come and die a brutal death on the cross from my sins. The Apostle Paul says it like this, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst” (1 Timothy 1:15). I am the worst. I couldn’t not sin tomorrow even if I tried.

But God, being rich in mercy and abounding in love, refused to let sin be the end of my story. In Jesus, He gave me an escape route. I did nothing to earn it. Nothing. I am a broken sinner in desperate need of a savior, and God provided Jesus. Grace does not make sense.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on anything. I can’t make theological arguments or even quote the correct scripture most of the time, but what I do know is that on either side of the argument, the way we talk matters. Where we talk from matters. I want to talk from a place of humility, remembering what God has saved me from and saves me from each and every day. A god who humbled Himself and made Himself nothing. He washed the dirty feet of the disciples and died a criminal’s death.

So in the midst of the chaos and confusion of my own heart and mind, I’ll cling to what I know and let God guide the rest. I have a feeling that God is going to care a whole lot more about my heart than where I stand on issues. I am loved by a gracious, all knowing, all-powerful God. He is using all things for His good.