amidst the darkness

I’m at a crossroads in my life. As a second semester senior, I don’t feel like I have a plan, which is killing the planner in me. My prayer each day begins with something along the lines of, “God, show me what You have for me starting in May.” Thankfully halfway through the prayer, it turns into, “Lord, I want the ability to trust you in whatever you have in store for next year, and I want to trust your timing. Strengthen me in the waiting.” The Lord has decided to be silent on His plan for me next year. So I’m waiting, not very patiently. I wish I could say that I’m okay with this, but to be honest, it’s an incredibly difficult season. I want to start to prepare for what comes next, but God is good in the waiting; in fact, in scripture it says, “Blessed are those who wait for Him” (Isaiah 30:18). I want to wait on Him, at least I want to want to wait on Him.

Today, I went on a run. It was 40 degrees and sunny on January 9^th… this is such a rarity that I sat on my porch swing when I got home for a little bit. The sun was hitting the swing perfectly and instead of being cold, which would be normal for the 2^nd week in January, I was a perfect temperature. The sun rarely shines in Indiana during January or February, which gets depressing for a sun-goddess such as myself. But as I’m walking through a dark season in my life right now, dealing with some hurt, some lies, the Lord’s silence and a lot of lasts, it seemed fitting to soak in the sun. It hit me at that moment that the Lord was reminding me that even during the dark seasons in life and during the year, we can see and experience the sun when sit in the right places at the right times. Had I sat outside much longer, the sun would have started to set behind the house in front of me and I would start to shiver, but at that moment, I got to sit and enjoy the sun’s light and warmth during a January day. It’s afternoons like today that make the winter a little more bearable; they’re like moments of hope amidst darkness of confusion and uncertainty.

Here’s to believing that God will continue to remind me how to hope during a time filled with fear, hurt, uncertainty and confusion.