lasts

Like most seniors graduating from college in May, I lay in bed as I fall asleep wondering where the time went. The past 3.5 years have flown by… not surprisingly since I attend such an amazing university and have had an exceptional college experiences. I long for freshman year when I carelessly spent hours upon hours in the afternoon and in the wee hours of the morning with friends. I miss living in the sorority house, when I felt so close to so many girls and knew I was never alone. I want to relive last spring, when so many of my best friends were seniors and were up for literally anything. Mixed with this nostalgia is fear. Fear that I wouldn’t make the most of this next semester. Fear that I’ll leave with regrets. Fears that I’ll worry too much about next year that I wouldn’t enjoy the present.

Let me just tell you, nostalgia and fear are an unbearable combination. They are numbing. I’m walking around feeling like I just want to lay in bed and press snooze on my alarm because I just can’t handle the day yet. I keep thinking that if I’m not ready, my semester just wouldn’t start. The worst part is that this numbness allows for no joy. And I feel hopeless. The future seems just so daunting that I want to surrender without even trying. It’s like in sports when you’re over-matched and you wonder why you even have to play the game, you think it might be better to surrender and maintain your dignity. And when you do decide to play, it’s with the attitude of, “let’s just get it over with.” The past two days I’ve sat in this feeling. Except, I don’t even know what it looks like to surrender with my dignity in tact in this situation… which is probably a good thing, or else I would do it in a heartbeat. I’ve been willing to settle for surviving instead of believing I can and will thrive.

The next 16 weeks bring a lot of lasts into my life. Tomorrow kicks off my last sorority recruitment and then my last bid week. Monday starts my last semester at Indiana University as an undergrad and my last semester of college for the foreseeable future. Mixed with these lasts is uncertainty. Where will I be in 17 weeks? What will I be doing? Will I find a job? Amidst this whirlwind of emotions, I have several choices, which have several clear consequences. Reality is, I have no idea what the future brings, and much to my dismay, I have very little control over it, but I do have control over my attitude. If I continue to settle for surviving, I wouldn’t enjoy these next 16 weeks, nor will I be excited about what comes after. So I’m praying for a grateful heart for all the wonderful experiences I’ve had in college, the ability to trust God in the next season of my life and to be fully present for the next 16 weeks that I have left of college, no regrets, just happy memories. When I’m walking with God and focusing on Him, I believe I will thrive, not simply survive my last 16 weeks of college.