choosing to trust

I-74 is a highway that runs between Cincinnati and Indianapolis. I’m sure it connects many more cities, but this is how I know it. I-74 has seen many of my tears as I drive back and forth between Cincinnati and Indianapolis and Cincinnati and Bloomington. I drove 1-74 from Indianapolis where I was at IndyCC home to Cincinnati my sophomore year, so convicted by sin of emotional dependency and idolatry that I was moved to tears. I returned home to Cincinnati from Bloomington in the fall of my junior year crying as I dialogued with the Lord about self-image and the unhealthy obsession I had developed with eating. After my junior year I cried as I drove 1-74 home unsure what my senior year would look like because so many of my friends had graduated. This February tears rolled down my face as I drove 1-74 back to Bloomington after a rough weekend at home reminded by God that He is in control of relationships within my family. I bawled like a baby as I drove home to Cincinnati 2 weeks ago, this trip significant because I was moving home, and wrestling with the fact that my life did not look like I had pictured it looking. If you believe I’m put together, just take a road trip with me – my road rage, random bouts of tears, verbal processing and rapid lane changing would quickly correct your beliefs. Something about the open road puts my mind into overanalyzing mode and makes me emotional. 

Anyways, today, I cried yet again on 1-74 returning to Cincinnati from a weekend wedding and visiting friends in Indianapolis. I spent today listening to a couple sermons, two entitled,  “Choosing to Trust.” As I listened to the words of James MacDonald, and reflected on my thoughts over the past month, even past 5 months, something became abundantly clear – trusting God is a choice. One that must be made multiple times a day, but the only way to grow one’s trust in God is to recommit things to Him. After the sermon, I said out loud to God in my car, “I trust that Your plans for me are good because You are good, and You love me. Your will, not my will, God.” I kept driving, half listening to the next sermon, half overanalyzing my life, (what I can I say, this feeler is also very analytical when it comes to trying to figure out situations) I started to get upset and anxious again. I felt convicted to repeat the same words out loud that I had said 15 minutes ago, “I trust that Your plans for me are good because You are good, and You love me. Your will, not my will, God.” A calm swept over me as I remembered an image that has been floating through my head for the past couple days. In this image, I’m on a tight rope taking one baby step at a time away from land, but unsure where exactly this tight rope is leading me. After each step I take, the Lord whispers, “Do you still trust me?” I grasp His hand a little tighter as I adjust and try to take the next step battling every fiber in my being that just wants to sprint back to the security of land. James MacDonald said in his sermon that we surrender things to the Lord and tell Him that we trust, and then we may have to do the same thing 30 minutes later or days later. He also reminds the audience that we will always have to deal with uncertainty. Perhaps that’s where God has me right now, trying to teach me how to deal with uncertainty in a healthy way, and not overanalyze every element of my life.

My goal this week is when I get overwhelmed, uncertain or upset about my circumstances to repeat the words I said in the car, “I trust that Your plans for me are good because You are good, and You love me. Your will, not my will, God.” Even if I say these words 10 times in a day, it will eventually make it from my mouth to my heart. So many things are out of my control right now, but I do have a choice to make – will I choose to trust God with my circumstances, with this season, and with my life? It starts right now, and each and every moment.