here

I like to plan. I like to know what comes next. I like to be able to prepare myself for what comes next. I like these things so much that I can cling to the plan, and lose sight of everything else. In this season of my life, I don’t have a plan. I know I’ll be in Cincinnati through August, and then I don’t know, heck, I don’t even know what I want. That’s a lie. I know I want to walk closely with Jesus, I know I want to bring the Lord glory, I know I want to get involved in good church, and build community, and I want to serve. None of these things involve a career, or getting any closer to a long-term plan.

The funny thing is, I have no doubt in my mind that I’m right where God wants me.

I wake up each morning and I ask Jesus what He has in store for the day, and I get to let Him lead because I have nothing left to lose. The Lord is reminding me each day, multiple times, that His way is better than mine. If I can learn how to let the Lord lead me daily, perhaps I can start to understand what it looks like to let the Lord lead me in the big stuff. If I can be faithful here, in the small things, I can hope and pray that I can be faithful with the big stuff someday. And maybe, just maybe, a lack of knowledge of what I want is exactly what God wants. In super fruitful times, I can forget how sovereign God is, but in seasons where I’m unsure which way is up, His involvement in my life is impossible to ignore. Moments of encouragement and moments of confusion are undeniably of Him. I’m starting to see that His plans for my days are better for me than how I would have planned it myself. Are there some days when I’m angry and disappointed? Yes. I’d be lying if I said no. But, it’s also on those days that the Lord convicts me and refocuses my perspective.

It is here, in this weird transition season of uncertainty that the Lord has challenged me to surrender even the beautiful dreams I had of doing vocation ministry to Him. It’s here that God is rooting through unresolved insecurities and unrepentant sin patterns in order to lead me into further relationship with Him. It is here that I’m learning that no matter what I achieve in this lifetime, even the good stuff, compared to Christ, is a loss. Because Jesus is the ultimate reward; a relationship with Him is the most valuable thing I could even want. Living in God’s plan, fully alive to His leading, is the ultimate goal of my life. Being obedient to Jesus should be the only thing on my bucket list, and the only thing that motivates my decisions should be – is it what God wants for me?

Would it be nice to have a plan at least for the next year? Yes. But compared to the fellowship I’m experiencing with the Lord now, there’s simply no comparison. I am right where God wants me because He is good, and He knows what’s best, and He, not me, has a plan.