it wasn't supposed to be this way... and yet it is

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” over the past 2 months, I’d actually be able to afford all the J.Crew clothes I’ve been buying.

I was not supposed to graduate from college unemployed.

I was not supposed be broken up with 3 weeks before graduation.

I was not supposed to move back into my parents’ house indefinitely.

I was not supposed to spend the summer after my senior year as a retail manager, and writing 50+ cover letters.

The funny part is, if I travel back in time over the past two years, to write “I should have…” statements, I sound ridiculous.

I should have been attending Teach For America institute this summer, missing friends weddings, and our last family beach vacation with my dad’s side of the family.

I should have been preparing to move to Chicago to work a 50+ hour a week job that would not be good for me.

I should have been doing what I wanted, not what God wanted for me.

Clearly all of these are a little ridiculous now. The Lord has saved me from things that would not have been good for me. But these were what I wanted, or thought I wanted.

When I was on summer project in Chicago, a huge part of my first 3 weeks was spent filling out job applications, dropping them off and following up on leads. I got up every morning, made some phone calls, visited places and tried to talk to managers at stores I had already applied at. I was so frustrated that I remember complaining to one of the staff members saying, “My supporters didn’t give me money to walk the streets of Chicago looking for a job, can’t I just be on campus 5 days a week?” His response stuck with me. He said, “Caitlin, is your faith growing?” I nodded. “That is what your supporters gave money for.” I never got a job on summer project. Instead I spent 4 days a week on campus; the Lord used this to grow my desire for evangelism, and the nations. I spent a lot of time at coffee shops diving deep into the Bible and listening to countless sermons.

My sister has lovingly referred to this summer as a “faith internship” for me. As much as I’ve been tempted, and have, stomped my feet yelling, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” I’m starting to realize this is exactly how it was supposed to be. I’m supposed to be wrestling with what I want my life to be about. I’m supposed to wake up each morning asking Jesus to guide me each step of the way. I’m supposed to feel overwhelmed and unsure.

I usually don’t want to believe God is sovereign when things aren’t going my way. How could a sovereign God be okay with my suffering? This summer I’ve been reminded that my suffering isn’t the end of the story. My suffering, uncertainty and hurt turn me back to the cross. The cross is where my life must begin and end. The cross is where my day must begin and end. Each moment I must fall at my knees at the cross. I can’t do it on my own. I was never supposed to. In midst of my temper tantrums and me yelling, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” God in a small whisper declares, “Yes, Caitlin, it was supposed to be this way. It is supposed to be this way, and it is good this way. Just you wait. I know what I’m doing. I know what’s best.”